Many of us have found ourselves in a position where our entire mood or well being depends on whether we’ve received communication from a partner or a love interest. Or, perhaps, you’ve found yourself in a never-ending spiral of arguing, approval-seeking behavior, and emotional resistance with your partner.
Unpacking such behaviors and thought patterns can feel hopelessly overwhelming, but there’s actually a deeper, psychologically driven explanation behind them. The term “attachment style” is becoming more normalized in popular culture and mainstream psychology, yielding profound insight into our propensity toward codependent relationships.
There are four recognized attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. These attachment styles are directly influenced by our caregiver’s ability to provide a safe environment for us to grow and form healthy relationships. Such perspective is invaluable for understanding why you engage in certain behaviors and how you can work to overcome them.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a term commonly used in cases of substance abuse or otherwise addictive behavior. It was first coined in the 1950’s1950s to describe a situational dynamic where someone is struggling with a substance, and another party (typically a loved one) enables their dysfunctional behavior. Characterized by the breakdown of personal boundaries, codependent relationships result from self-destructive patterns and emotional enmeshment in early childhood.
A codependent dynamic can be present in your relationship regardless of external influences like substance abuse. Frequently, it’s because one or both parties are repeating unhealthy patterns learned in early childhood, consequently preventing them from developing a strong sense of self. As with any toxic dynamic, however, the first step to overcoming it involves recognizing such patterns and working to disengage from them.
The Four Attachment Styles & Their Characteristics
Anxious/Preoccupied
An anxious attachment style refers to a codependent relationship dynamic where one party has a deep fear or being left or abandoned in their relationship by their significant other. It is frequently associated with the so-called “abandonment wound,” which can result from a traumatic event in childhood where their caregiver has emotionally or physically abandoned them. Those with anxious attachment tend to be clingy or overbearing and constantly seek reassurance from their partners.
Dismissive/Avoidant
The dismissive/avoidant attachment style typically counters the anxious attachment style, creating a dynamic often found in situationships or relationships where boundaries are not clearly defined. Avoidant attachment style stems from experiencing a caregiver who was otherwise emotionally distant and discouraged emotional expression. Those who experience this develop a need for hyper-independence and may struggle to validate their partner’s emotions.
Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized
Fearful-avoidant, disorganized attachment is rooted in similar traumas that result in the previous two attachment styles, anxious and avoidant. However, with disorganized attachment, the person may oscillate between being anxious and avoidant depending on the circumstances and their personal triggers. It’s often defined by the person’s desire for closeness despite a deep fear of intimacy, creating a highly confusing dynamic for everyone involved.
Secure
So far, we’ve discussed the three classic insecure attachment styles. On the other side of the relationship spectrum, however, is secure attachment style. When someone is securely attached in their relationships, they can maintain emotional openness and honesty throughout the relationship’s progression. They’re also better able to disengage from a relationship if they feel their boundaries are violated, and they don’t resist the idea of being alone if things don’t work out.
A secure attachment style occurs when you’ve practiced self-acceptance and love to the point where you will not accept anything less than a healthy, communicative, and stable relationship. If you have an insecure attachment style, getting to this point can seem insurmountable. But with intensive inner work and self-reflection, your efforts will be worthwhile once you’ve reached emotional clarity in your relationships.
From a Personal Perspective
Going from insecure and codependent to reaching a secure attachment style is something that requires time, patience, and a desire to cultivate meaningful and emotionally fulfilling relationships.
I’ve grappled with the harsh reality of insecure attachment stemming from my personal experience with trauma and emotional neglect as a child. My mother passed away shortly after giving birth to me, leaving me with a lifelong wound. Subsequently, I grew up in a household where physical affection, praise, or appreciation were regularly withheld, and I would experience deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity as a result.
With a lack of emotional validation came approval-seeking behaviors, ones that would never result in the outcome I was looking for. For this reason, I felt burdensome and desperate to feel “good enough” in the eyes of my caregivers. I would carry these unhealthy tendencies well into adulthood, which would ultimately impact my ability to form healthy connections.
The Problem with Taking on the “Fixer” & “Giver” Roles
My 20s were fraught with volatile and emotionally void relationships. I found myself engaging in codependent behavior in both romantic and non-romantic relationships, taking on the “fixer” and “giver” roles. I’d give in to incessant people-pleasing, sacrificing my personal boundaries to placate the needs of others.This behavior would occur when I felt that same sense of abandonment that I’d experienced as a child, deeply fearing my loved one would leave me. I’d seek partners whose actions triggered such wounds and reflected my innermost insecurities, subconsciously affirming my feelings of diminished self-worth. Often, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Why does everyone continue to take from me while never reciprocating?” After years of inner work and gaining self-awareness regarding my attachment issues, the root of my suffering became clear. I’d realized that my low self esteem attracted abusers and exploitative people, I’d tied my self-worth to my ability to receive approval from them.
Unlearning Codependency & Reaching a Secure Attachment Style
My journey to relationship enlightenment required me to take a hard look at my dysfunctional and toxic patterns with the help of qualified therapists and coaches. Seeking help forced me to confront my feelings of low self-worth and make peace with my past. In doing so, I developed a sense of compassion for both my present self and inner child. This meant truly embodying the essence of my being, moving away from relationships that don’t serve me and prioritizing self-love above all else.
Jasmine Coaching & Wellness provides support and coaching to those struggling to navigate relationships and codependency. If you need help unlearning toxic relationship patterns, reach out to us to learn how to cope.
References:
- https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124#:~:text
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/
- https://www.jasminecoach.com/understanding-situationships-what-they-mean-how-to-get-past-them/
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/disorganized-attachment/
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/
- https://www.pexels.com/search/child%20and%20parent%20attachment/
