Have you ever felt the lines between love and attachment blur in your relationships? Maybe you’ve mistaken one for the other or wrestled with the feeling that your happiness depended on someone else. It’s easy to fall into this trap because, on the surface, love and attachment can look very similar. But when you take a closer look, you realize they’re rooted in completely different emotions.
You see, attachment often pulls us into cycles of neediness and dependency, while love frees us to authentically connect and care for others–while meeting them exactly where they’re at. Understanding this difference has completely changed how I approach my relationships––and it can do the same for you.
The Sticky Desire That is Attachment
Attachment is what Luna Kadampa describes as “sticky desire,” and honestly, that phrase couldn’t be more accurate. It’s the feeling of “I need you to make me happy,” rather than the more selfless “I want you to be happy.” When attachment takes over, we cling tightly to someone else, believing our happiness depends on their actions. I’ve been there—it’s exhausting and, frankly, a little suffocating for both sides.
Frank Ostaseski nails it when he says attachment often masquerades as love. It disguises itself as care, but it’s really about meeting our own needs. It comes with fear, possessiveness, and that nagging belief that we’ll lose something vital if the other person doesn’t meet our expectations. I’ve seen this play out in my own relationships, like when I found myself constantly needing reassurance from a partner. That wasn’t my love for them. It was actually my insecurity dressed up as an attachment and disguised as love.
Of course, attachment isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, it’s an intrinsic part of certain relationships, such as the bond between a parent and child. It’s when it seeps into romantic or platonic relationships as a way to control or validate ourselves that it stops being helpful and starts holding us back.
What True Love Feels Like
Love, on the other hand, isn’t about clinging. It’s expansive, freeing, and completely unselfish. When you love someone, their happiness matters to you—not because it reflects on you, but because you genuinely care about their well-being. Love doesn’t demand or control. It simply exists, and when it’s present, it strengthens both people involved.
Here’s what I’ve learned: Love gives people space to be themselves, quirks and all.
It’s not about wishing they’d stop leaving socks everywhere or nagging them to replace the toilet paper roll (though I get how annoying that can be). Love lets you accept someone for who they are, flaws and all, and that’s where the magic happens.
Instead of asking, “What can I get from this person?” love asks, “How can I give to them?” And that shift in perspective? It’s a game-changer.
How to Break Free from Attachment
Breaking free from attachment isn’t something that happens overnight. I’ve learned it starts with loving yourself first. I know, that phrase gets thrown around a lot, but it’s true. If you’re not taking care of your own happiness, it becomes impossible to give real love to anyone else.
For me, this meant learning to sit with my own uncomfortable emotions instead of expecting someone else to fix them for me—which also meant letting go of the belief that I needed someone to complete me. Then, the most incredible thing happened. The more that I focused on taking care of myself—whether that was setting boundaries, journaling, or just taking time to breathe—the easier it became to let go of unhealthy attachments.
Because love really isn’t about controlling or possessing someone. It’s about connection. When you let go of the need to hold on so tightly, love grows naturally, without all the stress or fear that comes with clinging too hard.
Are You Ready to Let Go to Let Love In
Sometimes, breaking free from attachment feels like untangling a really messy knot—it’s frustrating, slow, and often makes you want to give up. But trust me when I say that the effort is so worth it. When you let go of attachment, you open yourself up to a whole new world of love that is real, unconditional, and oh, so freeing.
At Jasmine Coaching and Wellness, I’ve worked with countless people who have felt stuck in attachment and not quite sure how to move forward. Whether you’re overwhelmed by the weight of a relationship or struggling to understand where attachment ends and love begins, I’m here to help. Together, we can untangle that knot, work through the mess, and create relationships that are full of connection, care, and freedom.
References:
- Luda Kadampa. Love, Attachment, and Desire in Buddhism.
https://medium.com/@lunakadampa/love-attachment-and-desire-in-buddhism-983c97980fad - Lion’s Roar. This is the Buddha’s Love.
https://www.lionsroar.com/this-is-the-buddhas-love/
3. Frank Ostaseski. Love and Attachment.
https://medium.com/@fostaseski/love-attachment-713cf2632d96
